1 - Who Am I?

 

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. - Dr. Seuss

            Before I get into much of the meat and potatoes, I'd like to take some time to tell you about who I am. In order to know how you got where you are, you've have to know where you've been. You may not feel the need to know and would prefer I just start addressing topics of greater interest, but my experience from some other things I've read was that I felt more able to relate to an author by reading about his personal experiences. Some of this isn't the best stuff I should mention about myself, but I want to be as open and honest as I can.

            I was born in a small town in Arkansas in 1976, the middle child of three boys. I was born under the covenant, meaning I was sealed to my parents  This means that my parents had been sealed for all eternity in their wedding ritual performed inside an LDS temple. In Mormonism all children born after a temple wedding are sealed to their parents under the same covenant that sealed their parents. LDS is short for Latter-Day Saint and is used interchangeably with the word Mormon.

            I'm not sure what I believed in at birth, but all I can ever remember is being taught since my earliest understanding how lucky I was to have been born into the one true church of God on the earth. Not only was I in the only church God considered true, but it was lead by God's only true leader on earth, our prophet. Early on I accepted what I was taught with faith in my parents and a child's imagination for the super natural. It was easy to believe, and eventually I grew confidence in what I had been taught. 

            My earliest memories were wonderful ones.  I had a great childhood growing up in rural Arkansas. Our home was always just across the field from my grandparents who lived on a large farm. Most days when not in school were spent with my older brother running all over the farm. A drop in visit to see grandma was always a treat. I don't have an unhappy memory from these early years. Later I would kid my parents about all the spankings I received, but in truth I probably could have used a few more. I have wonderful parents who I knew then and know now love me very much. My brothers and I would bicker often as siblings do, but we have a good relationship and a strong bond to each other. It was easier to hang out with my older brother as we were the closest in age being a year and six months apart. My younger brother often was left out being four years younger than I. He just wasn't able to keep up with us yet.

            It was a childhood full of memories that seem like they came out of a family movie. We would cover hundreds of acres running or riding our motorcycle, usually playing some form of army. My brother would typically drive the motorcycle while I would cling on the back because I was usually to afraid to ride it on my own. We also would have fun chasing the cows, hiding in forests, climbing trees, playing in the creeks or ponds, and all the normal fun things a kid gets to do on a farm. It's a great life to have such freedom to roam at such a young age. I even have a memory of a Christmas where I got a new BB gun. Just like the Christmas Story movie I was told not to shoot my eye out. As I walked out of my grandparents house there was one of those giant satellite dishes people use to have in their yards. I took aim, fired, and watched the bb as it traveled to the satellite dish, hit it at exactly the right spot and bounced back and hit me square between the eyes. I just knew I'd shot my eye out. After the initial shock wore off, luckily it only left a small red mark on the skin between my eyes.

            Growing up Mormon has a very set pattern to it. As soon as you are old enough you are placed in nursery during the roughly two hours of class time each Sunday that come before or after sacrament meeting. Typically a young couple, or some sisters work as they have been called to basically be the day care while everyone else goes off to doctrinal classes. In Mormon speak, the females are referred to as sister and the male members are referred to as brother. This is in reference to the doctrines taught regarding the pre-mortal existence, where as a Mormon you learn that before there was an earth we were all spirit children of God, and we are literally all brothers and sisters as part of humanity here on earth. While these phrases are meant to imply the sibling relationship of all of humanity, use of such terms is typically limited to members of the LDS church. The word "calling" is used in reference to a person's duties they have accepted. In the LDS church most members are asked to serve in callings, which for the general membership involves no financial gain. Most nurseries don't do much in the way of lessons because the children are so young. They usually involve playing with toys, learning to share, reverence, and snack times. However, I have seen some nurseries where some very simple but church oriented lessons are taught. After a couple hours in nursery (depending on the order the ward has its meetings), these young children get to go sit on a pew with their parents for another hour in sacrament meeting. In a Mormon church the attendance is for three hours every Sunday. The only significant church ritual, or as Mormons like to say "ordinance," performed during these early years is the baby blessing. In the baby blessing the father typically will go to the front of the Sacrament meeting and hold his baby and pronounce a fathers blessing using his priesthood authority. If the father isn't currently worthy or doesn't have the priesthood, another man will be asked to perform the ordinance. In Mormonism only males perform priesthood ordinances, and are allowed to even hold the priesthood. The priesthood is considered the authority and power to perform ordinances in God's name. There are very specific times when women can perform some priesthood actions such as in the temple, but that's about it.

            After nursery you go into primary. This is where you will stay until you are twelve years of age. In primary there are preparatory lessons for things like baptism, and gaining the priesthood when you leave the primary if you are a boy. Lessons about the stories from the bible and book of Mormon are normally taught as well. The one other lesson that is taught regularly that I no longer agree with is teaching them to repeat "I know" statements by teaching them the basic testimony every Mormon is expected to say. Some of these statements involve telling a child who can't read and has limited reasoning skills to repeat over and over things like "I know the church is true," I know President Monson (or current prophet) is a prophet of God," and "I know the Book of Mormon is the true word of God." This is childhood indoctrination and it really bothers me now. I was raised the same way. As a Mormon we are taught it's true before we can really understand it, and we are also taught not to question it. This is not unique to Mormonism when it comes to religions. The faith of a child is something taught about regularly, and adults are expected to look to their children's faith as an example for keeping their own. This seems like it is in reverse as to how it should be. As adults we learn to question, we learn how to reason, and we learn to be skeptical, as we should be. Children on the other hand will believe just about anything their parents and leaders tell them. Shouldn't we be telling the children how to think critically and to look to their parents as examples of how to examine things and find truth? Instead we ask parents to remain ignorant and gullible.

            At such a young age, my understanding of what I believed was limited and based on trusting what I'd been told was true from my parents and church leaders. However, I must have trusted them entirely to be correct. My family enjoys telling a story about how one day when my brother and I were only about 5 or 6 years of age, we decided to walk up to grandma's house on the hill. As we were walking a herd of cows came and surrounded us. We got scared, but knew exactly what we should do. We dropped to our knees and began to pray that the cows would leave us alone so we could get to grandmas. I don't recall if the cows moved on or we just developed some courage and continued on, but we made it to grandma's house just fine. For my family this is a great story because it shows spiritual strength in us at such a young age. It demonstrates child like faith, and that God answers those prayers. Today I can't say it shows me anything other than at such a young age I fully believed the stuff I'd been taught, with no reason to doubt or question. I don't see how it demonstrates anything beyond that.

            A very important event does take place during this time. At the age of eight, all children are expected to be baptized. Part of a Mormon baptism involves covenanting to be obedient to the church's doctrines. The LDS church believes that by the age of eight you have reached an age where you are able to be held accountable for such a covenant. The idea is that you have a choice as a child, but in reality this isn't the case. Any sense of choice is eliminated by pressure from family and pears to "do what is right." The expectation on someone to enter into this covenant is so great that I can't recall ever hearing of an eight year old turning down the opportunity for baptism. If that were to ever happen, there is a sense that it would not reflect well on the parents of the child. In Mormonism parents are commanded to teach their children to be obedient followers of the gospel. While as children our faith is demonstrated in doing what our parents have told us we should do. Our understanding of what we are doing is usually very little.  It's not that lessons aren't taught to children regarding baptism before they go through it, but that we just don't really understand it. What we do recognize is that we are making our parents and peers happy. Most members I've talked to as adults that were baptized at the age of eight will tell you they don't remember much about understanding it at eight years old. For me my only real memory is that afterwards my uncle was giving a talk for me regarding what had just happened. I can't remember anything he said, but I remember he rubbed my shoulders intensely as he spoke to the audience.

            The idea that kids may not fully understand what is happening, or be ready for the commitment they are making is significant to the claims of the church regarding baptism, and the child's future development as a Mormon. If the church is divinely guided and we have been instructed that by the age of eight we are ready to be baptized and covenant our obedience, why is it that so many eight year olds seem so unprepared, and barely aware of the real meanings of what is happening? At one of my niece's baptisms, afterwards when her grandma was talking to the audience, she asked her grandchild various questions about the parts of the ceremony that had just taken place. My niece was unable to answer any of the questions. At the time I attended this baptism I had already developed some doubts about my religion. So while the rest of the audience may have viewed her inability to answer the questions as cute, it stood out to me as troubling that she didn't really know what was going on, but had just made a very controlling covenants or promise of obedience. 

The following information comes from the lds.org website regarding Mormon baptisms. 

Baptism in the Lord's Way

            The Savior revealed the true method of baptism to the Prophet Joseph Smith, making clear that the ordinance must be performed by one having priesthood authority and that it must be done by immersion:

            "The person who is called of God and has authority from Jesus Christ to baptize, shall go down into the water with the person who has presented himself or herself for baptism, and shall say, calling him or her by name: Having been commissioned of Jesus Christ, I baptize you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen.

            "Then shall he immerse him or her in the water, and come forth again out of the water" (D&C 20:70-74).

            Immersion is symbolic of the death of a person's sinful life and the rebirth into a spiritual life, dedicated to the service of God and His children. It is also symbolic of death and resurrection. (See Romance 6:3-6)

The Baptismal Covenant

            Those who are baptized enter into a covenant with God to take upon themselves the name of Jesus Christ, keep His commandments, and serve Him to the end (see Mosiah 18:8-10; D&C 20:37). Church members renew this covenant each time they partake of the sacrament (see D&C 20:77-79).

            Those who keep the covenants they made at baptism are blessed by the Lord for their faithfulness. Some of the blessings include the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost, the remission of sins, and the privilege of being spiritually reborn. If they continue faithfully, they are promised eternal life (see 2 Nephi 31:19-20).

Little Children and Baptism

            From latter-day revelation, we know that little children are redeemed through the mercy of Jesus Christ. The Lord said, "They cannot sin, for power is not given unto Satan to tempt little children, until they begin to become accountable before me" (see D&C 29:46-47). They are not to be baptized until they reach the age of accountability, which the Lord has revealed to be eight years of age (see D&C 68:27;Joseph Smith Translation, Genesis 17:11)). Anyone who claims that little children need baptism "denieth the mercies of Christ, and setteth at naught the atonement of him and the power of his redemption" (Moroni 8:20; see also verses 8-19, 21-24).

            While children seem to have little understanding by eight years of age of what is going on, the church claims it is the age that was revealed by the Lord to become accountable.  Some of this doctrine is beautiful to me still. Such as the idea that young children are unable to sin. This makes sense to me because if they haven't developed the understanding of good and evil actions, how can they be held accountable for them. However, do all kids magically become so self aware and understanding of things at the age of eight?

            What is really troubling for me about this is the covenant to obey. After being baptized a blessing is given to seal the baptism. At this time "Those who are baptized enter into a covenant with God to take upon themselves the name of Jesus Christ, keep His commandments, and serve Him to the end." Covenanting to be obedient to God in the Mormonism is synonymous with Covenanting to obey the LDS church itself. It is after all the one true church with the only true prophet of God to be his mouthpiece to the world. It is after all the only true church with a prophet who talks to God. Why does this bother me now? Because from the young age of eight, this promise to obey is continually used to guide the child's choices. It is often used to inspire a sense of guilt if the child wants to do anything that isn't in line with the church, and the child is constantly reminded of the covenant he or she has made to obey when they were likely to young to understand it. It is held over their heads as a control mechanism and used regularly to make them feel they have to do as the church is compelling them to. Lessons are taught to regularly remind the person for the rest of their life to be obedient. Even as an adult, baptism is taught almost every year, and sometimes more than once per year. Articles like "Keeping the Covenants We Make at Baptism" by Dwan J. Young are published in church magazines like the Ensign. If those weren't enough reminders, Mormons as taught that every week when they take the sacrament they are renewing this covenant to obey. If this is the true church as they claim, then why not create a system that allows for children to mature before entering into such a controlling ordinance? As is probably the case with most Christian based faiths, failure to live commandments, especially when obedience is sworn can cause punishment from God. Likewise, success in living obediently to such covenants can bring great rewards.

            After baptism, the next stage in development of a young Mormon is to graduate primary and move into the programs for teenagers at the age of twelve. For young men this means becoming a Deacon at age twelve, a Teacher at age fourteen, and a Priest at age sixteen. At the age of twelve boys are also given the priesthood. This priesthood is literally considered to be the authority to use God's power to perform ordinances and blessings. Girls move on from primary to become a Beehive at age twelve, a Mia Maid at age fourteen, and a Laurel at age sixteen. At no point do women ever receive the priesthood in the LDS church. The Lord has seen fit to only grant the power of the priesthood to persons born with the correct genitalia. This no longer makes much sense to me, but as a believing young Mormon I just simply accepted it as Gods will and didn't question the reasoning behind it.

            The Boy Scouts of America has been heavily integrated into the church's Young Men's organization. Today there are some parts of scouting that I no longer agree with, such as the exclusion of gays. As this topic has become debated for possible change recently, I've listened as friends who are members express their disgust that the organization may decide to accept gay leaders and scouts. I still look back on scouting as a wonderful experience, and I hope they find it in their hearts to open their organization to all regardless of sexual orientation. For me, being in scouts was awesome for building usable skills in nature and in life. I had wonderful friendships in scouting, and some amazing experiences. In scouting I was able to be among the first to repel into a long underground cave in Arkansas, and I was able to hike to the top of some of the tallest peaks of the Rocky Mountains in Utah. Campouts and canoe trips with my friends in scouting were a regular experience. I enjoyed much of scouting, but not all of it. At 12 years of age, my scouting experience became hindered because our family moved to Taiwan. I would live there for three and half years, and I never managed to finish my scouting after that. Aside from coming back to the United States for a few summer campouts, moving to Taiwan pretty much ended my involvement in scouting until later as an adult when I would serve in the Young Men's leadership through the church.

            Teenagers are encouraged to attend church seminary during their high school years. For members in Utah the seminary building is often right next door to the high school, and students are allowed to schedule seminary into their normal class schedule as well. For those outside of Utah, seminary is usually held at the church building in the early hours of the morning before their high school classes begin.

            As a Mormon boy in the United States by the age of sixteen my week would typically consist of the following events. Three hours of church on Sunday, and a church fireside meeting Sunday evening that would last one or two hours. Most Mormon homes would discourage any fun outdoor activities on Sunday that were not part of a church sponsored event. On weekdays I would get up by 6:00am to attend seminary class from 6:30 to 7:30. Afterwards we would head to school. On Monday nights families are expected to hold Family Home Evening events. On Wednesday evenings we would have either a combined young men and young women's event, or a night of scouting. Daily scripture study and prayer are expected, but not all members do this. Later, as an adult the time expectations for service in the LDS church only seemed to increase.

            I took part in and enjoyed most of these activities on a regular basis. While I was always faithful in my belief that the church was true, it was in these teenage years that I also began to experiment with a wilder lifestyle. When we moved to Taiwan in 1988, the only school available to attend in the city I lived in that spoke English was primarily a school for the children of Christian missionaries. Being Mormon I was not considered by the other students who attended the academy to be a Christian. Students would regularly ask me some of the strangest questions about my religion. Many of these questions were completely crazy, but many years later I would find out that some of their questions were legitimate. In some ways they knew more about my faith than I did. What all of this led to was a feeling of not always fitting in to the main crowd on campus. The other types of students who attended the school who's parents weren't missionaries were the "business kids." While most of these kids may have been religious in some way, it didn't really dominate their thinking. This tended to be the group that was into partying. Taiwan had no drinking age or smoking age then. I'm not sure if this has changed since then. I quickly formed friendships with the business kids and some of the missionary kids that were also more into the wilder lifestyle. This means that by the age of twelve I was already into night clubs, smoking, drinking, and other crazy things. We were often partying many nights of the week, even if this required sneaking out late at night.

            While this would earn me the label "Jack Mormon" amongst other Mormons, there really weren't any Mormons other than my brothers, the mission presidents kids, and I living in Taiwan. Think what you will about my activities, I was still a believing Mormon through all of this. It would often cause me a great amount of guilt, but it never seemed like it was enough to deter me from the party lifestyle. And what parties they were. I can also say that while I never lost faith from wanting to sin, I really enjoyed the sinning. If drinking was a sin, I was in trouble.

 

            My junior year of high school I was allowed to go live with my grandparents back in Arkansas so that I could attend high school back in the United States. I didn't leave the party lifestyle behind. Instead I brought it with me and just dove deeper into it. Back in the states, even with drinking laws, it was pretty easy to get alcohol. Keg parties were a weekly event, and almost every night I wasn't at a church event or working, I was at some type of party. While I would even sneak out of early morning seminary to get high, I still maintained belief in the church. Some people may think these two things can't go together, or even insist that based on my actions I never truly believed. I will insist that nothing could be further from the truth. I knew that by my beliefs that I held so tightly that I was doing things that would make God mad at me. But the extreme guilt I sometimes felt just never seemed to outweigh the good times I was having. It was not uncommon for me to be at a youth activity one night, and a keg party with other drugs the next night. All this time, I developed what would become some very good and lasting friendships with some of the guys from my priesthood quorum. My friends in the quorum were well aware of my partying ways, and on occasion some of them also partied. However, mostly they were well behaved young men. They also showed me the best kindness in continuing to be my friend in spite of my lifestyle. One of them would eventually have his parents tell him he needed to avoid me later after high school, but overall our friendships have remained strong, and one would even eventually become my brother in law when we married sisters.

            I did manage to keep my family mostly in the dark about things, up until the day I got kicked out of school for being drunk. It proceeded to snow ball until I was causing my sweet grandmother too much grief, and I was asked to move back in with my parents for my senior year of high school. This was the year my parents moved from Taiwan to Utah. It was my own fault, but I still didn't adjust well to Utah. Friendships were harder to make as most of the kids seemed to have had long formed their groups before becoming seniors. However, it didn't take long to form a few friendships with people who also enjoyed having a drink or smoking the occasional joint.

            After high school I hadn't fully let go of living in Arkansas. I had loved living there, so I decided to move back and take some time to play. I worked delivering Pizza's at the same place I'd previously worked in high school. When I wasn't working I was playing. I had no goals in life other than having a good time. My small wage I earned at this job gave me just enough money to live in a shared apartment with as many as four other guys splitting the rent. Any additional money went towards partying. My parents came to visit me during this time from Utah. I could tell they were disappointed when they said goodbye at the end of their visit. Later I found out that saying goodbye led my father to tears. Not something he ever does. Every week my friend who is now my brother in law would come by the apartment and pick me up to go to church. I actually really appreciated this. Church was keeping me from going completely crazy. I loved Jesus and this weekly ritual helped me to not feel completely evil.

            After a while I was having trouble making ends meet so my grandparents allowed me to move back in with them. Then this break I was taking before growing up took a very dark turn. At some point I ended up hanging out with some people who were into some heavier drugs. We were constantly on something, and maintaining our composure by balancing uppers and downers. One day I woke up and I couldn't get in touch with any of these friends. I came crashing down. It was painful, and it was scary. It was a wakeup call. I decided I needed to go back to Utah to live with my parents and do something with my life.

            Most Mormon teenagers get something called a patriarchal blessing. It's given by a person within each local area who was specifically set apart as a Patriarch in the priesthood to give these blessings. I was a little late to get one, but I did. Each persons patriarchal blessing is suppose to be kept private and is considered personal guidance for that person. As it turns out most people's blessing read remarkable similar, and aren't so personal. People aren't really aware of this because they limit who they suggest you share it with to close family. Since that time, I've looked at several other blessings. In the blessing they assign you to a tribe of Israel, and you are literally considered an adopted member. The idea is that with the LDS church being God's restored church on earth, it is the church that will gather Israel. Israel is also referred to as the lost tribes, and we are in the business of gathering them together again with the final and complete gospel in the fullness of times. I was told I was in the tribe of Dan. Other things that you typically see in these blessings are that you will serve a mission, be married in the temple and have children that you must raise in the Gospel. Much of the comments made other than your tribe are fluff and person sounding stuff that is as specific as a fortune cookie such as God loves you, be obedient and you will be rewarded, you have good parents, and so on.

            Once back in Utah I enrolled in university and started to try to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. Eventually completing a degree in marketing. During this time I was working on a degree I went through a few more things that helped to determine the person I would become.

            One of the changes I experienced during university was to overcome some learning disabilities. While growing up I was always very artistic, but considered slow at reading. Despite my parents taking me to several counselors, no one ever really understood how to fix me. A few teachers went so far as to tell me or my parents that I was just stupid. I thought dad was going to kill one of them. I've had some wonderful teachers, but I've had some terrible ones as well. Over time I think I actually came to believe them. It further reinforced my feeling of what kind of person I was. Basically I can say that while I had some wonderful teachers, as a whole the public school system failed me in identifying my problems. What was never identified was never fixed. I was labeled and I accepted the label.

            Fast forward to the day I was ready to drop out of college. A teacher from my first year bumped into me on the sidewalk as I had made up my mind that I wasn't cut out to be educated. After speaking briefly she asked that I visit some more with her in her office. After we visited some more she said something along the lines of, "You're not the student I had in my class a few years ago. You are depressed. You're sick and need to be fixed before you can continue learning." She then helped me to find a learning counselor who specialized in learning disabilities. He was amazing, and to this day what he did for me has had a greater impact on my life than anyone save my family. I'll save the details, but he systematically identified problem after problem and provided a remedy for every problem. I went from ready to drop out to getting all A's from that point until I graduated. What he did showed me that I wasn't stupid at all. I was just hampered with solvable problems. I'd always tested high in IQ tests, so we never understood why I struggled so much. Now I was excited to learn. Now I was good at learning. I recognized that I was not going to be defined by the labels I had previously accepted. I would define myself.

            The next thing that happened was the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. There was a day when I was standing in a circle of guys each taking a hit off a joint. The subject of what we wanted in the perfect female came up. As each person around the circle spoke they mentioned the typical things a young man would say such as large breasts or a perfect ass. When it came my turn I said "I want a church girl." They all laughed. Surely I wasn't serious. I went on to explain that I'd been doing something stupid like getting high for long enough. No matter where I went it seemed to find me. I needed someone who could fix me.

            The very next day while standing in line at a bank with a friend, there was this beautiful girl in front of us. As she finished her transaction and turned to leave, I stopped her to tell her she was the most beautiful girl I had seen in some time. After letting her continue to leave I ran after her. After exchanging names she gave me her phone number. We started dating. Very quickly I knew this was the girl I was suppose to marry. No other girl compared to her. She ended up being a church girl who loved me in spite of my not so worthy habits. She didn't immediately suggest I should fix myself.  However, over time she did help me to clean up my act. Mostly because I had a reason that was worth it.

            Eventually we were engaged. Our courtship prior to marriage lasted a year and half. Not because I wasn't anxious, but because she wasn't ready. During this time she asked me to serve a mission. A mission was never in the cards for me. For those who don't know, every young man in the LDS church who is "worthy" is expected to serve a two year mission for the church when they turn 19. Last fall this age was lowered to 18. While girls are not expected to serve a mission, the age for them was also lowered last fall from 21 to 19. I'll go into my opinion on these changes in later chapters. The pressure that is put on a young man to serve is intense. It's a matter of pride for the family, and it is preached that the family of a missionary receives blessings for his service. Of course falling in love made this idea difficult of serve a mission the last thing on my list, but truthfully because of the lifestyle I'd lived, a mission had never been in my personal plans. I had friends who lived equally crazy lifestyles who did decide to appease their families and serve a mission. The bishops never seems to have a problem placing a mild penance on them and then allowing them to serve. So much for raising the bar. Each of these friends is no longer a part of the church. It seemed like almost every Sunday someone would ask me when I was going to submit my papers to serve. It took some time, but eventually people, including my parents, came to terms with it.

            Another significant event occurred during our courtship. There was a night when I had a dream that I knew was a vision where I had spoken with God. In that vision I was told she was the girl for me. I spoke with God and was able to ask questions during this vision. His answer came with intense feelings, that actually caused pain at times. Near the end I was shown a vision of my grandfather who had just passed away. This lit a religious fire in me as I'd never felt before. I focused myself to become a man who could be temple married to the girl I loved. Just so you can know, while it would stand as a testimony against my current beliefs, I will not detail this event much more since I am still considering it. I will say that my current considerations also include understanding that when this event occurred, I was on methamphetamine and anti depressant prescriptions for learning and depression. I was also getting about four hours of sleep each night because I was working about 35 hours per week while attending university full time. Because of the prescriptions I wasn't eating much, and I was under a lot of pressure to improve my performance in school. Because of these circumstances and things I have now learned about hallucinations, it's hard to accept a magical explanation when rational explanation is possible.

            Eventually we married in the Salt Lake City Mormon temple. I was so happy that I really didn't notice the strangeness of the outfits we wore during our ceremony, or even listened to much of anything that the man who sealed us was saying. At this point I will not go into more detail of this ceremony, but I will let you know that while it seems stranger than fiction to those outside the church who know of it, to members it is very sacred, and they usually take offense when it is discussed. For myself, on that day what I remember is I smiled so much that my face hurt when it was over.

            We didn't jump into the typical Mormon start to marriage. One of the things we covenant to during or marriage ceremony is to multiply and replenish the earth. There is certainly a normal in Mormonism to marry young, start a family quickly, and have many children. In addition to the covenant there have been talks from the highest leadership in the church known as apostles that encourage young couples to marry and not wait to procreate. For my wife and I, we took several years to finish school, get to know each other, work out some differences, and get financially ready. I still believe this is one of the wisest things we have done in our marriage.

 

            These are some quotes from previous prophets that have helped to develop the mentality that the church pushes to start you family quickly and not worry about taking time to be ready.

“Supreme happiness in marriage is governed considerably by a primary factor—that of the bearing and rearing of children. Too many young people set their minds, determining they will not marry or have children until they are more secure, until the military service period is over; until the college degree is secured; until the occupation is more well-defined; until the debts are paid; or until it is more convenient. They have forgotten that the first commandment is to ‘be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it.’ ( Genesis 1:28 .) And so brides continue their employment and husbands encourage it, and contraceptives are used to prevent conception. Relatives and friends and even mothers sometimes encourage birth control for their young newlyweds. But the excuses are many, mostly weak. The wife is not robust; the family budget will not feed extra mouths; or the expense of the doctor, hospital, and other incidentals is too great; it will disturb social life; it would prevent two salaries; and so abnormal living prevents the birth of children. The Church cannot approve nor condone the measures which so greatly limit the family” ( Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, 328–29).

“The first commandment given to man was to multiply and replenish the earth with children. That commandment has never been altered, modified, or cancelled. The Lord did not say to multiply and replenish the earth if it is convenient, or if you are wealthy, or after you have gotten your schooling, or when there is peace on earth, or until you have four children. The Bible says, ‘Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: . . . Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them. . . .’ ( Ps. 127:3, 5 .) We believe God is glorified by having numerous children and a program of perfection for them. So also will God glorify that husband and wife who have a large posterity and who have tried to raise them up in righteousness” (Ezra Taft Benson in Conference Report, Apr. 1969, 12).

            After graduating we moved back to Arkansas yet again. I guess I just still didn't have it out of my system. It's a beautiful state, and I had a lot of family that lived there. It also helped that my best friend from high school married my wife's sister and was already living in Arkansas in our "home town." I started my carrier there working in banking. It was an invaluable experience where I learned much about credit, and made some wonderful friendships. While here we had our first child. My daughter. While I don't regret waiting, I clearly remember being so happy to be a father that I wondered why we waited to experience something so wonderful.

            The next thing that happened was that, upon request, I was invited to move back to Utah and work for my mother's business. This continues to be a wonderful experience for me. While work can be hard, this job has some rewards that I probably wouldn't find in any other job. Through this job, I've been able to travel all over the world. These experiences have broadened my understanding of people and expanded my view of the world. No matter what happens going forward, this was worth it, but I must admit that it can be intimidating to work with and live by parents who are still very devout believers. My parents have been wonderful though, and have decided that our family is more important than our religion. They will love me regardless of our differences. I'm lucky.

            While living in Utah we had our second child. A beautiful boy. Nothing makes me happier than my family, and while I had always planned on more children, I also now have a feeling of completeness in my family.

            My kids are not at fault for my loss of faith, but they were the reason I started down the path that has lead me to no longer believing. While I had taught the doctrine of the LDS church in various callings over the last ten years from presidencies to teacher callings, and I felt I had sort of read the whole book of Mormon in parts, I had never read it from cover to cover. One night while reading a children's illustrated version of the scriptures, two thoughts occurred to me. First I found it odd how they were inserting Jesus into stories from the old testament, and second, I had never actually read the book of Mormon from cover to cover.

            There's a joke amongst Mormons that not even a bullet can get through 2nd Nephi. In the past this had always stopped me from finishing the book. Not this time. I committed myself to reading the whole book. But something unexpected happened. I'm no historian, but I've always enjoyed history. There were some things that stood out to me while reading the book, that I would later find our were called anachronisms. I plan to cover these in detail later, but the summary is that anachronisms are things that are out of place because they didn't exist in the time or place being discussed. Two other things stood out to me. I could not fight the feeling that the language in the book was very similar to the language of early America. Not ancient America, but the language common to our country in its early years times. Later I would read a wonderful book by Grant Palmer called Insiders View to Mormonism that covered this very problem in great detail. Another thing that bothered me was noticing so many contradictions in the book. I wish I had written them all down, but I will do my best to touch on this subject later.

            While starting to doubt my faith from reading the book that was considered the cornerstone of our faith, I started to reach out to people hoping someone could answer my questions. I'd had a few questions earlier in my life such as how can God be all knowing and we still have free will, which I thought of at sixteen years of age. Or how could the flood possibly have happened which I started to consider while working at the bank. While no one gave me a satisfactory answer to these questions, I did what faithful do. I put them on a shelf and accepted the answers like God works in mysterious ways, and some things we may not understand, but we would learn answers to in the next life. When reading the Book of Mormon the experience was different. I had set out to become a better father. I had set out to improve my testimony of what I had always known was true. When it didn't go according to plan, my goals didn't allow me to place it on a shelf and forget about it. I had to know.

            I started asking people I knew who I thought might be able to answer my questions. I talked to my leadership, my teachers, my coworkers, and friends. No one ever had answers. They all seemed dumbstruck with my questions, but were happy to provide answers about having faith. For some it seemed odd to them that I was even doubting. I had a bishop who I asked about the flood. During our interview when I asked about it he said he didn't know. Two weeks later when teaching a Sunday school class for adults he said clearly "I don't know why some people have trouble accepting that the flood actually happened. The church teaches it was a literal flood and it did happen." I can't say I wasn't bothered by this. Later I started talking to a cousin I worked with about my problems with contradictions in the Book of Mormon. He started by trying to solve my problems, but ended up becoming the greatest finder of contradictions the book may have ever experienced. Later when undergoing a temple recommend interview I opened up honestly about many of the problems I was having. The counselor didn't have answers, but told me so long as I believed in Christ there was not problem. He gave me a temple recommend. I finally finished the book of Mormon. I was really let down by the lack of getting to know Jesus in the book. When he finally shows up in the book, most verses say little of what he said, but the author doesn't hesitate to repeatedly say that things happened and were said that were so sacred that they couldn't be recorded.

            The next thing I did was try to fulfill the promise of Moroni. After reading the book, if we prey to know it's true, we will receive a confirmation. I felt nothing. I heard nothing.

            With some sadness I pulled out my iphone that night as I laid in bed and Google'd "Mormon skeptical." One of the first links to appear was a blog by a person who was a member, but his last post said he was leaving the church. In his last post he explained his decision, and listed numerous links to sites to learn more about many topics. It freaked me out, but I decided I had to know. How could he have possibly left the church? What could have lead him to decide that was the answer? I clicked to the first post he ever made and started to read every post he made over two years. I read every comment and argument under every post. I was quickly exposed to a number of issues that were troubling to my faith that I hadn't been aware of. As I continue writing I will discuss as many of these issues as I can cover effectively. For now let me simply say not everything was as is appeared. There were not only some very strong arguments against the validity of my religion, but there had been some dishonesty from my church to its members regarding many of these issues and it's history.

            The whole time I studied for about a year and a half, I still believed the church was true. I was obsessed with learning, but as I learned each new issue I would compartmentalize it to keep my faith in tact and move on to the next issue. Some people refer to this as putting the issue on a shelf to deal with it later. Then one day in the fall a few years ago, I can't remember what I was studying or thinking at the time, but I clearly remember the lightning bolt feeling. Suddenly my mind recognized all of the issues I had been studying at the same time, and this incredible clarity came to me. The answer was not faith affirming, but the clarity of the answer was stunning. How had I been so blind? How had I not been able to see it? That lightning bolt feeling was followed by a sense of relief. I wasn't questioning anymore with a troubled heart. I had broken through my programming. It wasn't true.

            My next thought was not so much fun. "Oh shit!" I had a problem. My family, my children, my wife, everything around me that mattered to me was Mormon. I was in trouble. All of the sudden a new burden started to develop. This burden would stay on my back like an 800 pound gorilla for some time. While today I believe I've mostly moved passed it, it still rears it's ugly head from time to time. This new problem consisted of some very strong emotions. Scared. I was scared of what my wife would think if I told her. Would she still love me? Was my marriage in trouble? For Mormons, marriage is a huge part of the most sacred promises we make in our faith. I was also scared about talking to my parents, my neighbors from my ward, my brothers, and my friends. Being an apostate is not always the easiest thing to do in Mormonism. Many people have felt their whole world fall apart around them for making such a choice. What was once a support network of people now looks at you with distrust, suspicion, and judgment. Anger. I was mad. Mad at myself for being so stupid to believe it. Mad at the people around me for blindly accepting it. But mostly mad at the church for being dishonest to me. Hurt. It hurt me bad. It sent me into a deep depression that I am only in the last few months starting to move past. Losing something you held so deeply hurts just as deep. It also hurt to know that when my parents would eventually find out, regardless of how they handled it, it would hurt them.

            The first thing I resolved to do was tell my wife. It was a terribly hard thing to do. It probably took me a few weeks to work up the courage, but I knew I had to tell her. I had never mentioned much about what I was learning, so this was going to come as a complete surprise to her. How lucky I am. She simply replied that she still loved me.

            I continued to go to church for several months, but it became very difficult. Listening to the comments that now sounded absurd but being unable to comment is a mentally taxing to say the least. My calling was to teach in the elders quorum. I had been teaching the doctrine via being called to presidencies or as a teacher for almost ten years. It's amazing how easy it was to do with the lesson manuals. I felt like I really understood the lessons, but came to find out I didn't understand much at all. Preparing lessons when you don't believe is very challenging. It taxes your soul. You feel dishonest and like your integrity is being compromised. I decided that I had to be released from my calling and I could no longer attend. When I asked to be released the president ignored my request. Eventually I confronted him and he said that after prayer the spirit had told him I was the person who should teach. Talk about proof the spirit isn't reliable. I insisted he release me from the calling. He had no idea what he was talking about. No amount of spiritual prompting could help me overcome the information and these questions that the church did not have answers to. He still didn't release me so I just stopped going for a few weeks. After the classes went without a lesson for a few weeks, they finally released me. It was funny to me because the normal way a person receives such a calling in the church is through a blessing. No one had ever set me apart. I did it a couple times to help the new presidency out, and it became assumed I was still the teacher.

            One of the hardest experiences that happened with my new loss of faith was trying to understand death when my grandmother passed away. Sitting in a funeral where you are hurting, while the people around you are talking in ways that now appear as nonsense leaves you feeling with no guidance or help in handling your grief. When I went home I called a friend of mine who had always been an atheist. I asked him how he felt about things like death, and how he handled it. His answer was to appreciate that you knew them, and hold on to the memories. I hated his answer. When you lose your faith in religion, you find yourself redefining the world and trying to figure out new answers to tough questions. When things like the death of a loved one happen during this time, it forces you to confront those questions.

            Some time later my wife had been reading and learning a lot of stuff as well about the church's problems, and decided to stop attending. It was a great relief to me. I felt like my family was safe, and we were ready to start moving on. I knew that I was still hurting, but these were positive steps to me that I was moving in the right direction. I would still have a great deal of depression to deal with that didn't start to heal until the days I worked up the courage to tell my parents. First I spoke with my mom. It was weighing heavy on me and she could tell something was bothering me. When she asked at first I tried to say nothing, but then it all came out like a waterfall. While I certainly couldn't cover it to any degree of depth, I told her about issue after issue for about two hours. She sat and listened politely rarely saying much. When I was finished she said that she still loved me, and ever since we have been learning to make things work. I work for my parents and live in their neighborhood so there isn't a way to separate ourselves without learning how to respect each other's differences. A few weeks later I did the same with my father. Both were hurt, but both decided that they would just love me.

            There were some things that weren't great that happened as part of the adjustment, but overall we've all done it as well as can be expected. I mentioned that if my mother wanted to know more she could listen to some podcasts by John Delhin called Mormon Stories. Her response was to not listen. Instead she began to follow him on facebook to learn who this evil guy who had ruined her sons faith was. Eventually she saw him discussing a topic that must have been related to pornography. Instead of asking Dehlin about it, she sent a message telling me that I needed to not follow this man, he was bad news, and into pornography. First I sent Dehlin a message asking what his stance was on the issue, then I responded to my mother. I told her that it might have been good to ask him, because her accusations were false. Then I explained that I'm not a "follower" of Dehlin. At this point I rarely spoke in Mormon Stories forums or listened to his podcasts. They were to apologetic for me, and didn't really interest me. I didn't leave one organization where I blindly followed the leaders only to find someone else to follow. Truth be told, while I certainly respect many people's research and work with regards to religion, I will probably never allow myself to be a follower of another man or woman.

            Another time she was speaking to my wife and told my wife that she "knew all about" the issues I had discovered, and she still believed. This was not honest of her, but I've found it seems to happen a lot with Mormons as a way to dismiss issues without actually addressing them. When I had unloaded the issues to her in her office that day many months before, the only issue she was aware of was polygamy, and even then I doubt she really knew all of the details. With other issues I brought up such as the book of Abraham and the City Creek Mall, I remember her very clearly asking with a quizzical look "where are you hearing or finding these things?"

             It made me mad that she did this, but my wife also informed me that the 2nd counselor in the bishopric had said the same thing to my mother when I stopped attending. Apparently he had a visit with my mom where he told her he also knew all about my issues but had believed in spite of them. Lier. Previously I had sought help from my bishopric by asking questions about the issues I was having. No one ever had an answer, and they all said answers like "just have faith," or "some things we aren't meant to know." When I went to this 2nd counselor for a follow up visit that the bishopric wanted to have with me to see how I was doing with my struggles I unloaded on the counselor the same as I had done with my mother. He was like a deer in headlights. He only could keep saying to "have faith" and he repeatedly told me he wasn't able to answer my questions because he wasn't even aware of the problems.

            My learning continued. Now I had to know the truth about everything religious. I needed to figure out where I was going to land. I didn't have much trust for religions in general because I now viewed them as manmade businesses that presented nice sounding messages but were primarily interested in money. But what was I going to believe in?

            Now that no longer considered myself Mormon I had to dig deeper into the roots of Christianity, which was the basis for Mormonism by being the faith it grew out of. While I will try to cover this more later, the short answer is that I learned it also didn't stand up to the test of being believable. The places where Christianity is losing is where magical explanations that have been previously given are not holding up to scientific discovery, where the book has been changed time and again, and that the oldest written copies were not from apostles but from other authors who wrote these stories many years after the apostles were gone. Additionally, the problem of evil is a huge problem for God, and Christians, like Mormons, read their scriptures selectively if at all. They only like to focus on the scriptures that make them feel good about their beliefs, and only use negative scriptures when casting stones at someone who has offended them or their faith. This happens while completely ignoring, or not even knowing about scriptures that say God is ok with genocide, slavery, racism, sexist rules, and other terrible things. The God in the scriptures sounds more human than Godlike. It's hard for me to accept that I should worship a God with some of the worst traits of man. Shouldn't he be enlightened and above such traits as jealousy, anger and envy? In the same way Christians are often so ignorant of their bible, as an active believing Mormon for over thirty years I claimed to know it was true without ever caring about some of the strange things regarding polygamy written in section 132 of the Doctrine and Covenants. I also wasn't aware there was a verse in those scriptures that clearly says the world is only about 6000 years old. Now when I look at stories from these scriptures including the bible I see people with limited understanding of the world trying to use magical explanations to understand what is happening around them, and in some cases they are simply trying to speak for God with a personal agenda. When a person might have had a seizure a couple thousand years ago, they might have been said to be possessed by a demon spirit. Today it's a medically understood condition that we are learning how to treat. Yet today we still have intelligent people who are educated and apply these thousand year old explanations to the world around them. While they will accept the medication that treats the condition, they will still pray that it works.

            As I continued to learn I began to look at the world with a broader lens. It was no longer limited by a bias to support Mormonism or Christianity. This allowed me to recognize that the world had over 7 billion people on it, and the all powerful God I had grown up with was doing a terrible job of caring for his children. There were thousands of religions all disagreeing with each other, and often killing each other over differences of belief. It causes me to want to scream when I see a friends post to his facebook wall asking everyone to pray he get this or that, while ignoring that if God cares more about granting his wishes based on his praising of God, but ignores the starving and suffering of millions of others, he was a terrible God. Before you go trying to use the typical religious excuses such as who am I to question God, ask yourself what if he were just a man. Pretend he's the father in your neighbors house. What father who truly loves his children would do such terrible things to them. If he was your neighbor, you probably would have called the cops on him long ago. It reminds me of a bit by the comedian Daniel Tosh regarding looking at his WWJD bracelet and how he was reminded how to act when a guy in the movie theatre was making him angry. He'd light their ass on fire and send them to hell.

            As I scanned the other religions of the world, I didn't see anything that made them any better. Many of them have some wonderful characteristics, but the underlying use of myth to explain the world just isn't something I am willing to do anymore.

            Over the last year, I feel as though I've healed. I no longer feel the anger and hurt. Occasionally I've had reason to feel that way again, but most days I feel just fine. My life hasn't fallen apart, and God doesn't seem to be punishing me any more or less than he use to bless me. In fact I feel like I am getting more out of life now. I don't really believe in anything religious now. While I have no proof of it, I do still hope for an afterlife, but if there is one I have no idea what it is. If there is one great. If there isn't one, my life won't be lived with hope for it. My life now and the lives of those close to me matter so much more to me now, not less. My appreciation for the world around is more not less. I've become fascinated by learning again. I no longer look at a mountain, star, or flower and think "isn't God great." Now I view these things as even more of a miracle. I respect them more, and I love looking at them and learning what we know about them without having the religious influence and filter on my learning. The universe is so remarkable, and I'm in awe of being a apart of it.

            So why then do I find myself writing this? If I'm so happy why not just move on? Am I one of those people who can leave but not leave it alone? There are many answers to these questions. First, it's a pretty hypocritical and dismissive question to ask someone who no longer believes why they won't just go away and be quiet. Religions send out missionaries every day to spread the word as if it's their right but no one else's. My neighbors and coworkers feel quite comfortable telling myself and others about their religion, but if I say something to the contrary they are offended? I was a believer for the majority of my life. As a believer I was taught that I had a responsibility to share the truth. Am I not allowed to still live by that same rule now? Why the double standard? It now seems silly to me that people expect people who have found out critical information about the church they were part of should just go away quietly. I even find it disrespectful. It marginalizes the many years I studied the doctrines and promoted them myself. It ignores the rules that I was taught to live by as part of the faith and insists on a double standard of dismissing those who don't agree with the church. All the while shouting from the rooftops what the church's message is true.  Again it's a double standard. If you're going to claim truth, but aren't able to even consider information from those who disagree, you are probably not on as firm a footing as you might believe. You should recognize that any claim that you know your message is true through some sort of spiritual confirmation has to be weighed against the majority of dissenting spiritual witnesses in the world. No religion no matter how big has a majority of the people in the world. Almost all of the religions in the world claim some spiritual guidance for having the truth. Also recognize that if someone is critical of an organization you are a part of you can choose to take it personal, but it is NOT a personal attack. It's a differing opinion related to the content and claims of the religion.

            All of that said, I must admit I have another reason to start writing. when I was losing my faith I did a lot of writing. It was therapeutic. I never sent out a 'why I don't believe' letter to family, and I never tried to attack their faith. I saw what happened when many other people did this and the damage it had on their relationships. I'm not saying what they did was wrong, but many of them have expessed regret, and wish they had handled it differently. I've made my own mistakes as well, but I am happy that I realized that relationships are important. There's seven billion people on the world and with that there's likely seven billion differing opinions. We have our friendships and families in spite of our differences. We are social creatures, and I wanted to maintain these relationships. I also saw how many people after leaving the church even many years they were still just as angry if not more so. What I'm saying isn't meant to dismiss their anger. Situations are different, and while I'm trying to go past the anger for my own sake, I can relate to their anger, and I don't mean to judge it. Some of the people who have left belief have very good reasons to be mad. For me, having left without ever really explaining it to family or friends was good for maintaining my relationships, but I want to be part of the voice of reason, and do so without anger or at least in an attempt to let go of it. The more people speak out the harder it is for people to ignore.

            Another reason I'm writing this is my wife. I love my wife dearly, and I'm worried that differences in faith may hurt our relationship. Earlier I mentioned that she had stopped attending and we were moving on. However, recently something happened and she has decided to go back to church. While her reason is that God spoke to her and told her he wants here to go back to the Mormon church, my understanding of it is different. She's under a lot of pressure from school, so she hasn't been eating or sleeping right. She also suffers from depression and is on several medications which she had stopped taking. The end result is that she had a mental breakdown where she got to the point of repeatedly telling me she was scared she was losing her mind and was hearing voices. For me this provides a rational explanation for thinking God spoke to her. I took off from work and stayed home with her, spent extra time watching the kids, making her eat and sleep, and take her medications correctly. Well she got better, as one would expect if they corrected those things. However, the other result that hasn't been corrected is she's sure God spoke to her during this time. I love my wife, but we do not agree on this. Since then I've been trying to figure out how we are going to make things work. I must also admit it has made me a bit mad at the indoctrination that religions submit people to, and how difficult it is to move past. Some people can't do it. We've had some arguments primarily about the kids going back to church, but we're working through it, and I hope for the best. I truly love her and I hope our differences on this aren't something that cause permanent damage to our relationship. Many people have mixed faith marriages, but not many that were initially both Mormon. I'm not writing this blog for her to read, but because I want to be able to discuss things that are personal to me and my family I will be keeping this blog anonymous, and I will not be mentioning any names of family members. I will use names of public figures, and people who have put out information in their name regarding any issues discussed as an attempt to provide credit to people who deserve it.

            The final reason I am doing this blog is because recently my mother and some other family have engaged me in questions. They have suggested that they want to understand why I have left, but so far the conversation involves them ignoring my responses and appears to be them simply hoping they can get me back to church by repeatedly suggesting prayer and the spirit. Between this new conversation and my wife's renewed faith, I figure if I'm going to be discussing these issues again and it isn't going to leave me alone, why not sharpen my pencil and discuss the same issues on here. It won't hurt to brush up on my answers for those conversations. Which leads me to my main reason I'm not leaving the church alone. Don't disrespect my having been a member by asking me to be quiet as a way to be respectful of your continued faith. Asking people to go away quietly is not the same as asking for their respect. How can one even think to ask this when the last thing the church will do is leave me alone. It doesn't work that way. Missionaries will still show up at my door, as well as ward members, and family. They will still preach to my family, and they will still insist I and my family should be faithful while being unwilling to address any of the troubling issues. Just yesterday some people from church knocked on my door and asked to speak with my seven year old daughter. They then handed her a Book of Mormon. My wife thought this was sweet. I thought it was inappropriate to be doing missionary work and giving books to a seven year old who can barely understand the "truth" they are selling. How would these same people feel if I knocked on their door, asked to speak to their seven year old child, and presented their child with a book about why the book of Mormon isn't true? If I can't be left alone and the church isn't out of my life, why should I be expected to leave the church alone. Again, that is a double standard.

            This brings me to now. I'm not unhappy that I grew up Mormon. I've had a wonderful life. I simply cannot be a part of something that isn't what it claims to be. Now that I've left the church, I'm not unhappy from leaving. I've very happy. I feel like my mind is clearer and the world makes so much more sense. I no longer have to address confusion with answers like "God works in mysterious ways." I love my family and I appreciate them, and I value my friendships with people who are still in the church. I hope writing this helps me let go of this. In a nutshell this is the short story of my life. Now on to the fun stuff.